Am I flirting?

49. If I Ask Her to Lend Me Something I Don't Need?

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 07:01:47 -0400

We feel closer to those we help, so asking to borrow something, even when you don’t need it, is a completely legitimate way to flirt. In fact, it might be cuter and more effective when what you’re asking for is completely, blatantly inessential. The adorable girl in the apartment across from yours knows full well that you don’t have idea one about what to do with her cumin, but you should go ahead and confidently request it anyway. The signals will be clear.

48. If I reblog all of his Tumblr posts?

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 20:36:17 -0400

Another one from the mailbag:

Reblogging every post on someone’s Tumblr would seem to be flirting at first blush, but that kind of excess crosses the line into semi-creepy obsession. A much better way to show you’re paying attention would be to reblog only the posts you find sweet, poignant, or particularly funny.

Yes, we know our readers are a discerning bunch, and we’re sure everything on your crush’s blog impresses you, but please restrain yourself and try to pick a handful of things you can connect over. If you manage to hit the ones he’s particularly proud of, all the better. Reblogging everything is effectively reblogging nothing.

Are you flirting? We’d be happy to tell you. Send conundra from your adorable lives to amiflirting@tumblr.com or amiflirting.com/submit.

47. If I email my friend's brother without mentioning it to my friend?

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:33:00 -0400

From the mailbag.

Beanie asks:

Am I flirting if I email my friend’s brother without mentioning it to my friend? Does this mean that I must be flirting because if I wasn’t I would have told my friend? Or can it be innocent? I mean, I AM trying to flirt but maybe I am picking up the wrong signals; so if it’s not necessarily flirting I can pretend it was never a flirtation in the first place!

Without knowing what’s in those emails, AIF? faces a classic Schrödinger’s Cat scenario. This, of course, is the famous paradox which begins with a cat trapped in a box with an atom that could decay, setting off a deadly chain reaction. Until we can open the box and settle the question by direct observation, the cat’s life-or-death situation is blurred, and we can say that it’s both alive and dead.

What we have here, then, is Schrödinger’s Flirt. Unless we were to open the email in question, we’d have to assume that — given the potential for flirtation implied by writing to us at all — Beanie is simultaneously flirting and not-flirting. Although we appear to have arrived at a technically correct answer to this dilemma, we’ve also focused on the wrong question.

…

Come on, you don’t want to know whether you’re flirting! You’ve straight-up admitted that you want this dude to feel the gentle brain-caress of your coquettish ladywords. You want to know whether that’s ok, even though your friend might find your ambition to yummy down on his or her sibling kind of awkward. It might not hurt to drop a pretty obvious hint to your friend, leaving the email out of it, just to see where things stand.

Considering that you’ve already hit send, we can’t help you with the whole “going back in time to gather more information (and maybe ride hoverboards)” thing, but it’s not too late to figure things out before you take it any further. A few (mostly) innocent emails shouldn’t bust up any friendship worth having.

Would you like Am I Flirting? to lead your dating life frightfully astray? Email amiflirting@tumblr.com (we won’t tell anyone’s brother) or go to amiflirting.com/submit.

46. If I Show Her My Card Tricks?

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 23:16:16 -0400

There’s nothing Am I Flirting? dislikes more than a guy with a gimmick. If you approach girls with a deck of cards and a cheesy twinkle in your eye, you had better be on the World Series of Poker. Otherwise, you’re basically asking, “Was your card the King of I Really Want to Have Sex With You Tonight?”

It’s an excuse to duck out of any actual conversation or establish any meaningful connection. Even your eye contact is intended to misdirect. This certainly does not rev our motors. Perhaps instead of hiding behind props, you could introduce yourself and look her in the eye without any surreptitious sleight of hand. That’s where really good flirting begins.

45. If I start a conversation about her tattoos?

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 18:02:00 -0400

If you’re chatting up a gorgeous girl with conspicuous tattoos, she probably wants you to offer your opinion, right? No, gentle sir. Kindly slow your roll.

It’s easy to see the appeal of someone who’s turned her body into a work of art, but the coffee shop, the bus stop, and the library are not art galleries. Her extravagant tattoos are not on display for your enjoyment. You may think you’re flirting by asking her what her ink means, but you’re wrong. It’s a tattoo, not an “ask me about … ” nametag. Try making a little conversation, for crying out loud, before you jump right in and start talking to her about something that could have deep personal significance.

Certainly, offering any sort of critical appraisal would be tactless. It would be a terrible idea, to, for example, tell her that she paid her artist too much. (You know how we feel about the “neg.”) On the other hand, if you’ve developed enough of a rapport, it might not hurt to ask her if she has any tattoos you can’t see. If you’re not a pushy douchebag about it, maybe she’ll oblige.

44. If I can't blog anymore without worrying something I am writing is flirting with you?

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 17:36:00 -0400

Hi, AIFers. Flirters. Cads and minxes. What the hell, right? What are these words on this screen? AN UPDATE. It’s all I could get out, what with how split up my head is (ed. by me to add: ours, we’re both a mess here). Summer romance, you know? And that means one thing: blog silence. Because there’s no safe little video, or song, or even “topical” link to a medium-sized online publication we can share without wondering if someone, somewhere (it’s always one or two someones) thinks it was meant JUST FOR THEM.

We’ll do our best to push through it.

Because when it gets like this?

It always will be.

43. If I show up when he’s working every week and sometimes attempt to start a conversation?

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 02:49:00 -0400

This is our first question from the new submission page at amiflirting.com/submit. (Ooh, submission! We’ll save that for another post.) Thanks, anonymous reader! By all means, keep the questions coming.

We have to start by resolving some ambiguity here, because the answer to the question depends on what you mean by “every week,” and how far out of your normal routine these weekly stops really are. If you’re a vegetarian who shows up at the local burger joint once a week on Saturdays to drink water and make eyes at the fry cook, you’re definitely flirting. If you’re getting your teeth cleaned three times a week because you enjoy being eye-level with your dental hygienist’s package, you may have come to the wrong blog. I think you’re looking for “Am I Stalking?”

It’s good that you’re attempting to start a conversation, but it’s difficult to determine whether you’re flirting if we don’t know the content of what you’re saying. If you send your clothes out every week so you can ask the cute guy at the cleaners what he’s doing after work, you’re flirting. If you’re a regular somewhere, and you’re just making the kind of conversation regulars make (“Oh, there’s something new on the menu, and you put in a bigger TV. When did that happen?”), then you’re probably not.

Submissions, if you please.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 18:35:18 -0400

The fine code-maestros at The Tumblr have generously created a new submission system for blogs like ours. Am I Flirting? is going to have a go at turning on submissions, and we hope that your submissions will turn us on as well.

http://amiflirting.com/submit

42. If our legs touch at the show?

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 15:54:00 -0400

You can flirt with the space between your knees and ankles. Maybe you can’t help from tapping your foot so close because you just really like the song. And the next. And the next. If you find yourself not wanting to resettle in your seat for fear that pulling your leg back towards you may seem like a No, not tonight, you are flirting.

41. If I send him pictures of my ass?

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 03:28:49 -0400

This is certainly a grey area in the flirting milieu. As a friend who recently sent me a picture of her ass pointed out, even boys have them. You’re not seeing anything you couldn’t already see in your bedroom with the right mirrors.

I must differ with her on this issue, refined as her opinion may be. Although the booty barely cracks (snicker) the usual list of the top three parts a lustful gentleman wishes would appear spontaneously on the display of his mobile phone, it’s an alluring asset that you don’t generally show off in its entirety on a trip to the corner store. Even at a bar, you’re likely to reveal a half-ass at most.

Therefore, unless you’re asking an established platonic friend to evaluate the character and fitness of your derriere, you might as well be calling 1-900-Mix-a-Lot … because you, my friend, are kicking them nasty thoughts.

Send questions, flirts, spontaneous booty shots, and other correspondence to amiflirting (at) gmail (dot) com.

40. When I drunkenly criticize her jukebox selections?

Wed, 13 May 2009 19:29:55 -0400

Here’s a modified neg, only with more fondling. You load your dollars into the jukebox, and if you’re lucky, it’s not just one of those internet jukeboxes that download whatever song you want. (The whole pleasure of the jukebox is scarcity.) She sidles up next to you and you say Pick some, go ahead and you lean in over the volume to see what she’s going to choose. Really, U2?

She’ll punch you on the shoulder and tell you to shut the fuck up, she still likes “Pride (In the name of love)” and also Phil Collins. You aren’t standing too well and then wheel around and start yelling to the other patrons, “Excuse me, did you play U2? Oh you didn’t? Because they’re crap, that’s why!”

Best case flirt scenario: she will buy you another round to repay her musical debt and be on her way. Worst? She offers you a prolonged and sloppydrunk blowjob, under her Bono poster.

39. If I put him in my Mash note?

Wed, 13 May 2009 19:02:00 -0400

Mash notes are a time-honored playground tradition, also beloved of fun-seeking hipsters or other semi-adults with senses of humor. The deal is that you play a game that establishes your future spouse, a home, an occupation, and a type of vehicle you might drive.

Putting a fellow in your mash note is the rough equivalent of engaging in the classic flower-destruction exercise “he loves me, he loves me not,” and counts more as some kind of arcane shamanic love ritual than as an honest-to-goodness flirt. Unless he’s playing it with you, and you give him a meaningful look as you add his name to the list, announcing it in a tone that could easily be mistaken for joking, just to give yourself an out …yeah, that’s the stuff.

Send your questions and Mash notes to: amiflirting [at the] gmail [one, dot] com.

[photo via robotpolisher on Flickr]

38. If I am sitting next to her on the plane?

Fri, 01 May 2009 13:32:20 -0400

There was a couple on my flight last night, who maybe even weren’t a couple. He kept touching her touchscreen for her, ordering Seagram’s ginger ale and Pringles and she leaned in towards him and laughed and pushed her half-cup of soda closer to his tray and there is nothing more obviously flirty. It was like watching a really good first date with every excuse to listen in because where else was there to go?

I remembered the best people I’ve sat next to on planes: the Sufi with the rose oil who wanted to ‘anoint’ my forehead on the way to South Africa. A few months ago it was the American on the flight from Bangalore to Dubai that offered to let me plug my headphones into his jack since my tv wouldn’t work, requiring that I turn my body to his and crane my neck close to his shoulder to watch the shows I thought may not have too much subtext for so little shared space. When the attendant bumped me to business class, she apologized that there was only one seat.

Proximity isn’t license here; it’s how you use it, without imposing on her. Flirting in the sky is the safest kind. You’re trapped together, but only for a few hours. And who knows what real world love is waiting for her at the baggage claim. You can really walk right by him. He won’t mind. Besides plane blankets are too scratchy these days to get too exciting under.

37. If I Ask A Lot of Questions About His Girlfriend?

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 00:38:09 -0400

The dynamics of flirting become more complex when those infuriating significant others enter the picture. You’re completely screwed, because every effort to downplay your homewrecking intentions by sweetly bringing up his girlfriend in conversation has a flipside as an attempt to locate some critical missing scale in the armor of his relationship. If you’re interested, perhaps you’re better off letting him do the talking about his current relationship. You’ll learn more by listening than by bringing it up yourself, and you won’t risk blowing your cover by insinuating yourself into something that’s off-limits. It doesn’t help to convey that you want him when you’re sabotaging yourself by reminding him of what he’s already got. Because, let’s face it, she’s probably really cute.

What Not To Ask The Girl You're Hitting On At The Train Station

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 03:52:11 -0400

An unauthorized guest post (don’t call it a reblog!) from lenachen:

“Do you live alone?”

Actually, no. I live with a man who’s 6’ 2”, muscular, intimidating, and conveniently out of town if you plan on following me home. Not that the latter piece of information needs to be shared.

(P.S. It is super creepy that you patted at the seat next to yours when we entered the train and even creepier that you moved next to me when I didn’t sit next to you. Also, I really didn’t feel like sharing my Nerds candy, but thanks for holding your hand out for it anyway. I so need to buy pepper spray.)

36. If I 'neg' her?

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 03:04:21 -0400

The neg? Are you fucking serious? Are you a pheromone salesman who just lied and said you liked Hendricks and tonic because? Because you thought you were turning us on? Oh no now you say you are comfortable telling us what you do for a living. Never put your real name on a dating profile site, you say. I WONDER WHY because you, bald-assed motherfucker, just insulted US for being BLONDE.

Who knows you aren’t?

“Oh, but you’re not really blonde are you so you aren’t as stupid as you look either!”

Hit the back-button, now. Get your greasy mitts off this blog, you fuck. The neg is not, never can be, never will be, flirting.

And we can’t say it strongly enough.

Even if we thought about sucking your cock for a second.

35. If I’d like to do your nails? Fluxblog comments on...

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 12:50:00 -0400

35. If I’d like to do your nails?

Fluxblog comments on Tiga’s “Shoes” in a post entitled “Don’t Be Such a Flirt:”

Tiga flirts with and flatters a lady in relatively strange ways, and she rejects him at every turn, and the end result is a track in which it’s difficult to tell whether this is part of some odd sexual game they are playing, or if he’s a weirdo getting shot down for good reason, or if she’s just this incredibly aloof and unfeeling ice queen.

In our expert opinion, the correct answer is “he’s a weirdo getting shot down for good reason.” Those gloves don’t touch my skin, indeed.

34. If I Feign Interest In Sport?

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 20:15:06 -0400

Baseball season is upon us, and it’s that time again: time to either deeply love or deeply pretend to love America’s game. If you put on a show of being impressed and fascinated by your amour’s knowledge of slugging percentages and deep bullpens, are you flirting? Oh, most definitely.

As Irving Goffman explains in The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, we often offer idealized versions of ourselves to others, carrying out a performance based on our audience’s expectations. When you do this by acting interested in sport, it can play out in a handful of different ways. Maybe, in the process of pretending, you actually come to enjoy stick-and-ball games, and everyone wins. Maybe the flirtee sees right through you, but finds it charming that you’re making the effort, or thinks it’s cute when you say “Pujols.” Again, win-win. The only way you can lose is if you find yourself having to keep up the act too long. Taking him out to a ballgame is flirting. Buying season tickets from your office pool for all the games he goes to is just desperate.

33. If I ask her a lot about her open relationship?

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 19:16:58 -0400

You’re a modern guy. (Of course you’ve had it in the ear before.) There was that britpop girl back who got off campus early, sophomore year, who invited you to her house party? She told you it would be “wicked” and you went anyway. You met her boyfriend there. It was. They were both so good to make out with, you never just assumed every cute girl was into the strict Noah’s Ark thing.

So if in the course of getting to know a girl, over a vague and non-committal burger, you might get onto the topic of who she’s seeing. You tell yourself since you’ve done the open relationship thing, too, it’s not definitely flirting. It’s pre-flirting. It’s getting the lay of the land. You’re pussy surveying. You’re asking the terms before you get lost. And so what, what gets girls to open up more than talking about dating? (Even when a girl resigns herself NOT TO TELL the boy she’s going to hang out with platonic-like about the Sadness and Current Dilemma with her boyfriend? She will.)

Here’s a few ways she’s going to take it. In the spirit of the question, there’s no one right answer.

A. She figures you either want to be The Guy With the Shoulder She Cries On, or The Guy Who’s Shoulder She Used to Cry On and Now Sleeps With Every Once In A While

B. She imagines bringing you home to her boyfriend as she’s chatting with you one night, then spills her drink on herself, and excuses herself to the bathroom to text him eight times to ask if it’s okay to bring you home.

C. Yes, she says, she’s slutty, and she’s still just not that into you.

32. If I Play the Guitar in Her General Vicinity?

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:15:22 -0500

This question is older than time, older than Dire Straits, and almost as old as guitars themselves. If that guy on the steps of his apartment building or out on the campus lawn just wanted to practice some Jack-Johnson-ass modern rock hits, he would do it in his room. That’s not going to happen, though, because that destroys his chances of being able to casually refer to a passing girl’s body as “a wonderland” without getting spit on.

If that guy is you, you should be aware that you’re emitting a semi-spherical aura of flirtation. Casting a wide net has its pluses and minuses. Plus: if you’re talented and not obnoxious, you could potentially strike up some good, productive conversations. Minus: if you’re either a horrible musician or a really skeevy individual, EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU. The moral of this story is that flirting is hard work, which means you might have to actually practice music and/or basic hygeine before you take your game out in public.